Rumfoord's Pocket History of Iraq

Civilization, to date, has created 10,000 wars. Regrettably, there are only four intelligent commentaries on war: those of Thucydides, Julius Caesar, Shelby Foote, and Winston Niles Rumfoord, my uncle, who chose 75,000 words so well that nothing remains to be said about the war between Earth and Mars. That war, of course, is prologue to my war. As such, the enquiring scholar must carefully study The Pocket History of Mars.

My purpose would be well- served with a brief excerpt from my uncle's masterwork:

"The mastermind of the Martian suicide was Winston Niles Rumfoord... It was Rumfoord's intention that Mars should lose the war - that Mars should lose it foolishly and horribly. As a seer of the future, Rumfoord knew for certain that this would be the case, and he was content. He wished to change the world for the better by the great and unforgettable suicide of Mars."

I served in the war between Earth and Mars, a veteran of its greatest skirmish - the Battle of the Basel Meat Market. When the Swiss demanded my surrender, I ejaculated, "Nuts!" My bravery that day inspired Winston Niles Rumfoord to adopt me as his nephew, heir to his Legacy. I carry on today, in Iraq, the high ideals of his Martian adventure.

The American Commander-in-Chief responded to 9/11 by announcing a Crusade. Imagine the consternation in the Islamic World! Could any announcement more inflame them? The radio antenna we had installed in his head worked perfectly! He followed this up by christening our military response, "Operation Infinite Justice." Since only Allah can dispense Infinite Justice, he might as well have code-named it Operation Blasphemy.

The perpetrators of 9/11 left a trail of bread crumbs leading to Afghanistan. The terrorists were funded by a network of Wahhabi charities tracking back to Saudi Arabia. 14 of the suicide bombers were Saudis. None were from Iraq, a secular Ba'athist country. I reminded everyone that there were few good targets in Afghanistan, no place less suited for demonstrating the overwhelming strike capacity of the American war machine.

I went, reluctantly, with the World into Afghanistan. We kept the pressure on, offensively, as our NATO allies came in behind us to secure liberated areas. Once we trapped the al Qaeda leadership in Tora Bora, we were finally free to go after Iraq, my preferred target. The oil men were overjoyed. Secretly, I smiled at their naive greed.

The easy victory in Afghanistan failed to satiate the urge to avenge 9/11. We manipulated that angst mercilessly. We cherry-picked the intelligence, elevating to the status of revealed Truth the fairy tales of an embezzler and a doubtful source code-named 'Curve Ball.' In our public pronouncements on national security, we always coupled Iraq with 9/11. We casually dismissed the conclusions of the inter-agency Iraq Assessment Group, which warned that high troop levels would have to be maintained after Liberation. We laughed in the face of the counter-insurgency theorists, who warned of a protracted struggle. Generals who questioned our rosy scenario were put on the fast track to retirement. We squawked about a (non-existent) nuclear threat. We retaliated against those who questioned our pronouncements.

It was a masterpiece of Mendacity.

The war in Iraq commenced with our bombing of Baghdad, something we christened 'shock and awe' - an obvious synonym for Terror. Humanity was put on notice. Though the bombs were very smart, the technological transformation of the American military was still incomplete. Institutionally, the objective was to transcend the human factor, boots on the ground. Simultaneously, this would make morale, as a factor to be consulted, obsolete. With Morale obsolete, morality could be jettisoned as well. All war calculations, for the first time in History, would be purely objective. Humanity would lie prostrate to pure power. And it would be America, an apathetic democracy, which would wield that power.

The war in Iraq, sold to Americans as quick and easy, has entered its fifth year. The war, meant to be financed by Iraq's oil revenues, is costing the United States $5,000,000,000 per month. Selling the war was a masterpiece of deception. The American people blinded themselves to the ruthless manipulation. The rest of the World watched in disgust.

Many at DoD like to think the war would have been better put off until transformation was complete. But, they admit that 9/11 presented a golden opportunity. We had to seize it. My colleagues at DoD like to think that American public opinion today would be more positive if we were fighting with a transformed military - where we had elevated war to a simple mathematical calculation. They don't ask themselves the next series of questions. Would the rest of the World serenely submit to American domination? How many would we have to kill and maim with our machines to secure that submission? In securing that submission, would we become better people? Or would we continue to rot, growing ever more obese - denizens of the Third Circle, slush-meat for Cerberus - as our machines performed our dirty work?

The virtue of transformation, in terms of the Rumfoord Legacy, would have been to clarify the central issue. Is the life force, Universal Will to Become (UWTB), stronger than the death force? Would Humanity submit to the whims of an overfed superpower?

The war in Iraq, politically, for Americans, has been an exercise in flatulent patriotism, orchestrated by men notorious for their lack of service in an earlier imperialist adventure. The end of the American Empire is being greeted with a Greek chorus of 'Support our Troops,' the theme song of people who have no intention of joining them. Instead, the volunteers suffer third and fourth tours of duty. (They remind me so much of the grossly misused Army of Mars.) The army wastes away through attrition. Morale seeps, like blood, into the desert sands ready to blow away forever with the next brisk gale.

The American people bought our argument that, by tying down the terrorists in Iraq, they could not attack our homeland. Few considered the possibility that the reverse would be true, that terrorists could tie us down for decades fighting an insurgency in Iraq. And consider the chill this policy has up the spines of the rest of the World. Americans are willing to see other countries, any country, turned into playgrounds for terrorists as long as the United States is not hit. Imagine adopting such a morally bankrupt strategy while, simulaneously, claiming moral leadership of the World.

Nothing could suit my purpose better.

American casualties, to date, are over 3500 killed - more than 2500 of those after victory was (prematurely) declared in May 2003. At least 15,000 have been wounded, a high percentage of those seriously. Indigenous casualties number somewhere between 30,000 and 650,000. Nobody knows for sure, and most Americans - especially the Rapture-impaired, Culture of Life mob - don't care. Nobody knows how many have been seriously wounded. Is there anyone in Iraq unscathed by this war?

In The Pocket History of Mars, my uncle takes the measure of Leadership. I am certain he would admire our Commander-in-Chief immensely.

"Any man who would change the World in a significant way must have showmanship, a genial willingness to shed other people's blood, and a plausible new religion to introduce during the brief period of repentance and horror that usually follows bloodshed. Every failure of Earthling leadership has been traceable to a lack on the part of the leader of at least one of these things. Enough of these fizzles of leadership, in which millions die for nothing or less! Let us have, for a change, a magnificently-led few who die for a great deal."

The American Commander-in-Chief believes he is a divine instrument. Oh! If he only he knew to what purpose! Consider the irony. The man was voted into the most powerful office in the World thanks to the Electoral College, a vestige of the old Slavocracy. Then, in office, this man (the living embodiment of the failure of the great American democracy) announced that he would impose Democracy on the Middle East! Americans, robot-like, nodded their heads approvingly. The rest of
the World hung their heads in dismay.

Iraq is the vomit of the anarchic system of competing nation-states. The liberating force of the 18th Century, Nationalism, has decayed into a death wish. The nation-state is a millstone around our necks. Either we get rid of it, or it will get rid of us. In a world where two billion people go to bed hungry every night, $1,000,000,000,000 is immolated every year on the funeral pyre of defense spending. An elected, representative and sovereign United Nations is long overdue. The life force, Universal Will to Become (UWTB), imposes an intelligent design. Only a re-chartered United Nations can act legitimately against Terrorism. Such an institution cannot emerge until the last superpower is brought to its knees.

I am the mastermind of the American suicide in Iraq. It was always my intent to lose this war - to lose it foolishly and dishonorably. Flaws in the American character, runaway hubris, and an abundance of right wing lunatics on talk radio simplified my mission immeasurably. The great and unforgettable humiliation of America will bring on a great consummation which will usher in a millenium of peace.